


Reflections

by Anonymous



Category: supermega
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Ryan Magee/Matt Watson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28045818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: It was normal right?Normal to have a crush on one of your bestfriends who also happened to be your ex partner in your workplace.
Relationships: Ryan Magee/Matt Watson
Kudos: 12
Collections: anonymous





	1. Reflection

It was normal right?

Normal to have a crush on one of your bestfriends who also happened to be your ex partner in your workplace.

Completely normal right?

Is it normal to be jealous of those who come near them though? Jealous of the way they talk to someone or how they look at someone?

Ryan was another type of person compared to him. He was easygoing, fun, and most importantly, he was pretty to look at. 

While Matt.. he didn't believe he was either of those things.

This duo made others question how they even became friends or how they can even put up with eachother. The answer to that was simple.

Matt doesn't tend to bug Ryan, he instead stays in his own spot, obeying every order. This made him seem like a dog. A dog tied on a leash with little to do. 

When arguments occurred, which was rare, even if he wasn't at fault, he'd take the blame. Especially if it was Ryan's fault. Ryan would just sneak a glance at him and Matt would nod and say he was at fault. The praise that came afterwards from Ryan was what he strived for. 

What he needed.

He wasn't sure if it was because the lack of love and care he got as a child or because he just liked to be praised. As a child he didn't seek the approval from anyone, he remembered that many students tried to gain respect from the teachers but he never understood it. 

Why do you need approval from someone else? Aren't you here for yourself?

This mindset of his use to get him in trouble with his classmates and teachers. He would bug people and ask why they were even paying attention when they could just finish it later. The teacher would struggle on where to sit Matt since all he did was persuade his classmates to not do any work.  
The only good thing that came out of it was him meeting Ryan.

Ryan was a mature student for his age. He didn't join in on teasing that happened during class. He would notice it and just shrug it off. This was the reason why Matt was seated next to him one day.

"Why are you even doing work? Don't you have an A?" Matt asked one day.

"Hm?" Ryan slowly looked up from his paper to look at him. "If I slack off it'll lead me to just becoming a procrastinator again." 

"My parents tell me that it's usually better to do work afterschool since you have more time to think about it and revise it."

"Oh yeah? Why do you have a D- then?" Ryan questioned as he rose an eyebrow. 

Matt froze and shut his mouth. He didn't know how to respond to this so instead he just chuckled. 

Now that they were grown and running a YouTube channel together, Matt and Ryan completely changed. Ryan was now the procrastinator who teased others while Matt was a self driven person who also seeked validation from others.

The validation that Ryan gave him when Matt did something right or when he solved an issue made him happy. It allowed him to sleep well, knowing that at least Ryan paid attention to what he did/does. 

It was around senior year that others began to take notice on how weird Matt was around Ryan. Especially those who were friends with Ryan.

"Are you guys fags?" Asked a friend of Ryan. 

"What?"

"I asked if you guys were fags."

"What? No." Ryan replied as he glared at the boy in front of him who was staring at both of them.

"You sure? You guys are always with eachother." 

"We're friends. Best friends. I know him better than anyone here." Ryan side eyed Matt who was oddly quiet.

Matt wasn't sure why Ryan's friend even had the nerve to ask him if he was a so-called "fag." Even if he was, what was his problem? Why would he care if he was one? 

"You and Manny are always together. Are you guys fags?" Ryan looked at the other boy who was now lifting his arms up and motioning him to stop.

"Ugh dude, don't even say that. That's fucking disgusting." He told Ryan as he shifted awkwardly. He put his hands down. "You know I'm just asking cuz you guys are always together, even at parties. Not like I would care about a gay couple anyways."

After that day Matt never saw Ryan hang out with that kid nor mention his name. Matt was surprised by this since he thought Ryan was the type to just ignore comments like that. They did both talk about that event afterschool. The only thing Matt recalled from that day was that Ryan told him he shouldn't pay attention to shit like that because it's bad for your mental health.

In the 2nd year of college, a month before they both dropped out to become a couple of youtubers, Matt came out to Ryan as bi. 

"Fine with me." Ryan shrugged as he focused on the movie that played on the tv. "Just don't try to kiss me while I'm sleeping." Ryan jokingly told Matt.

"Fuck no!" Matt snorted and fake gagged which made Ryan do his high pitch laugh. "I rather fuck Jeff Bezos than do anything with you!"

"Hey. Who wouldn't fuck Bezos? He probably would order you a nice meal after since he's so fucking rich." Ryan replied. "Plus I'm pretty sure kissing me isn't a bad thing, I'm a pretty good looking dude for someone from South Carolina."

"Are you saying I'm ugly?"

"Eh. You're average looking but nothing compared to me."

That pretty much summoned up his whole coming out story. He wasn't harassed for it and he wasn't called a fag for it either. Matt could always count on Ryan to simply just turn it into a easy going joke instead of taking it seriously. It's what he loved about Ryan. 

But at the same time he knew it was wrong. Wrong for him to fall in love with his best friend who showed no interest in him. He felt wrong for it. He wished he never felt the way he did now.

Matt tried to not pay much attention to the guilt he was feeling because sooner or later, he'll lose interest like he usually did and everything would just be in the past.


	2. One sided love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep in mind this fanfic takes place in the past memories of Matt (and maybe Ryan). The last time chapter will take place in present time.

It’s been a while since Matt remembered the memory of when Ryan attended a party and dragged Matt along. Back in college they use to be invited to all sorts of events. Matt simply would just refuse to go but by the end of the day, Ryan would be dragging him to the event anyways.

He couldn’t say no to him. That was the bad thing about Matt. He just went along with whatever Ryan wanted. A month before they both dropped out, Ryan attended his last college related party.

“Hey dude, wanna join me to Carson’s little party?”

Matt looked up from his desk where he was finishing his study guide. His desk was neatly organized, he rarely left his room messy since he hated unorganized people. Though, he was fine with Ryan being unorganized because that was part of his personality.

“Can’t.” Matt pointed to the stack of papers on his right with his pencil. “Trying to finish these study guides by Friday, plus it’s a Sunday.”

“Friday? You got a good 4 days to finish that shit, you can’t come out for just an hour?”

“No, I got classes on Tuesday and Thursday so I basically have those days short to finish. Why do you want me to go anyways?”

“I’m just worried you’ll end up becoming all wrinkly and white. When’s the last time you’ve gone out?”

“Thurs -“

“Not including classes.”

“We did go out already yesterday.”

“Matt.. that doesn’t count, we went to go grocery shopping. We HAD to go.”

“Well I’m not going.”

He did end up going. Ryan had to, once again, drag him to come with him. He wasn’t exactly sure why Ryan wanted him to come with him when Matt usually just ended up leaving early every time.

Was it the anxiety of entering a big crowd why yourself? Did he genuinely want Matt to go with him? Who knows.

Carson was the first to spot Matt when he entered the apartment. 

“Oh Matt! Ryan told me you weren’t coming!” 

Matt turned to look at his side to see what response Ryan would say to back his lie up but Ryan was gone already. He suddenly felt his head spinning as he realized he didn’t know no one in this party. He looked back to Carson.

“I decided to come anyways.” Matt rubbed his chin as he avoided eye contact with Carson. Did he know he was lying?

Matt quickly shut off his thoughts as he realized he was just overthinking and worrying for no reason.

“Well great!” Carson shined a smile at him and turned his slightly to the dining room and then back at Matt. “Jackson’s over there, c’mon, let’s go get some drinks.”

Matt followed close by, looking at the people who were around him. He did recognize a few people but they were more close with Ryan than with him. He tried to find Ryan but failed. 

“What can I get for you partner?” Jackson topped his cowboy hat at Matt which made Matt smile.

“A beer please.”

“Beer?” Jackson questioned as he looked at Matt with a concerned look. “Are you sure-“

“Do you want to see my ID or something? Can’t a man just get a beer?”

“Nono, it’s not that. It’s just... you don’t like beer.”

“People change Jackie.” Matt said as he leaned over the counter. “Do you still like the same things you liked in high school?”

Jackson nodded as he walked over the fridge, grabbing a beer for Matt. He set it in front of Matt. “Yes I still do like Dwayne Johnson.”

Carson leaned besides Matt, touching shoulder to shoulder. “Did you guys see who Ryan’s talking to?”

“No, who?” Jackson whispered as he looked around.

“Fucking Britney dude. Do you guys remember her?”

“Not me.” Matt mumbled as he tried to block out conversation. He really didn’t want to remember the crush he had on his best friend. He didn’t want to feel jealous. Not today.

“You don’t remember Britney? The one who was friends with David?”

Oh now he remembered. David was the one who use to torment the two for being close to each other. Even going as far as calling them a couple of fags. He mostly targeted Matt, never saying his name but instead calling him a fag.

Matt took a sip from his beer only to realize that he had finished it while he was deep in thought. He asked Jackson if he could bring him another one which Jackson happily obliged to. Jackson brought him 5 more just in case Matt decided to drink a few more cans. 

Matt would sneak glances at Britney, trying to compare himself to her. Of course Ryan would be attracted to her. She had a nice body, pretty face, a gentle voice, she had the whole package.

What did he have?

Throughout that night all he could remember was Jackson and Carson talking about Britney and Ryan being a couple. It made Matt sick to his stomach but he couldn’t do nothing about it except drink and drink until he finished the cans Jackson brought him. By the time he finished, he felt like puking from all the beers he drunk. He was always a light drinker.

“Jackson can you-“ Matt paused to hold in his puke. He closed his eyes for a while and opened them again slowly. “Can you take me to my dorm?” 

“Holy fuck Matt. I forgot you were a light drinker.” Jackson ran to his side, helping him stand up straight. Matt wrapped an arm around Jackson as he helped him walked outside.

Carson followed behind them. He claimed he wanted to make sure Matt didn’t accidentally fail or something but both Jackson and Matt knew he just wanted to see if Matt would vomit all over Jackson’s car.

Matt heard someone call Jackson and they both stopped in their tracks to see who it was. They noticed it was Ryan coming out from the apartment, walking over to them, someone following behind him.

“Oh shit Matt, are you drunk?” Ryan said as he put his hand on Matt’s cheek as he looked at his face to see if he was okay. “Are you taking him back?”

“Mhm. He asked me to.” 

“I could take him back, I was just going to head out anyways.” Ryan replied as Jackson was about to pass Matt to Ryan.

Matt looked at who was behind Ryan and noticed it was David. He pushed Ryan back softly and clung onto Jackson.

Seeing David just made him remember his old senior memories of all the tormenting he’s done already. Matt felt bad for Ryan being called a fag just because Matt was affectionate towards him and because of how Matt felt.

“No Jackson can take me, stay here.” Matt said as he coughed. “I have to give him back his college book he let me borrow anyways.” 

“You sure buddy?” Ryan said in a worried but yet calm down, both of his hands now on Matt’s cheeks.

“Yeah yeah.” Matt swatted Ryan’s hands off of his cheek and looked down. “Jackson let’s go before I puke on the street.”

The rest of that night was spent in bed. He tried his best not to vomit due to his fear of vomit but failed after he arrived to his bedroom. Before laying down he took his shirt off to help him calm his nerves. He shivered as he felt a cold breeze hit his skin. He pulled his blanket over his head.

After 15 minutes of just trying to fall asleep, he heard the door open and shut. The ruffling of bags echoed through the small hallway that headed to his bedroom. He opened his eyes and noticed his bedroom’s light was on. He pulled the blanket down to his neck, seeing Ryan.

“Got you a little gift bud.”

“What is it?” Matt mumbled as he closed his eyes shut as he felt a headache coming.

“Fancy water.”

“How considerate.” Matt tried to smile but felt his headache pounding so he let out a groan. “Just leave it next to me, I’ll drink some later or tomorrow morning..”

Ryan nodded, placing it near him. Just as he was about to leave, Matt reached out to hold his hand. Ryan looked at their hands and looked over to Matt.

“Can you...” Matt paused and blinked slowly. “Can you turn off all the lights?”

Ryan laughed and nodded. “Of course dude, I wasn’t gonna let you turn them off.” He ruffled Matt’s hair and left, closing his bedroom door.

Matt groaned to himself in embarrassment. Was he really just going to ask his best friend if he could sleep with him? He shut his eyes tightly, pulling his blanket over his head again. 

Remembering that night hurt Matt since it made him realize that he couldn’t ever date Ryan. If they did end up dating and if they did break up, what would happen? They had the same friend group and they both mentioned still wanting to be friends in the future. It just wasn’t possible.


End file.
